Is it time to bring Cars and Guns into JavaScript?
JavaScript has gone from a cute little scripting language to an unstoppable behemoth. But is it doing enough to attract the male audience?
The marketing materials out there are all targeting women. Look at React’s cute and curvy logo or Vue’s pastel colors. And don’t even get me started on Github’s “octopus cat” logo.
Clearly, something needs to be done to attract men. And what do men love? Cars and guns.
But first, let’s take a step back.
Are men really better programmers?
To put it bluntly, yes.
There’s a lot of debate on this topic, but the scientific evidence is clear. Females have two of the same kind of sex chromosomes (XX), while males have two kinds (XY).
It’s easy to see that the string “XX” has redundancy, which is an anti-pattern in memory-constrained environments.
Additionally, men have bigger hands, which gives them an advantage when it comes to caressing and handling whatever they please, but also means they can type faster.
How to make JavaScript more masculine?
TC39 is already evaluating several Stage 1 proposals to add some testosterone to the language.
For example, the `+` operator could be replaced with the `🔥` operator. And we could add a new phallic operator, `->`, which would be used for pointer arithmetic.
But that’s not all. We could have a new built-in function, `explode()`, which would force garbage collection by blowing up every single byte of memory.
Prior art: Gun.
This is not a new idea. One project already attempts to bring masculinity into programming.
Gun is branded as “the database for freedom fighters.” The landing page, if your GPU can withstand its testosterone-fueled flickering effects, urges you to “get ready to disrupt Big Tech,” because it provides you with “the most powerful digital weapons on the internet.”
Of course, being a man is not only about blowing your enemies to tiny bits; it’s also about claiming responsibility and power over your environment by embracing a long patriarchal tradition. That’s why Gun is also “Values first, family first.” (Yes, this is real.)
Unfortunately, Gun is not fully committed to the male ideal, as it was “crafted with love.” The phrase is not technically wrong, as men are indeed capable of loving some inanimate objects, but there was no need to bring up a traditionally female emotion in the landing page.
Closing thoughts.
So, men, it’s time to take back control of your programming language. JavaScript and its V8 engine are waiting for you.
A masculine JavaScript is good for everyone, even the ladies. After all, what’s more attractive than a manly man who can write manly code?
Be sure to check out the new and improved versions of React, Vue, and Github, coming soon to a computer near you with new names: Act, Do, and Gitgud.
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