Microsoft builds a Death Ray.
In a stunning turn of events, Microsoft has developed a device that experts are calling the “death ray.”
The new device is a focused beam of electromagnetic radiation that can instantly kill any living thing in its path.
“Ok, I get that someone would eventually make a death ray, but why announce it like a tech product?” One reporter asked.
“Why not?” Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella replied. “It’s just a tool; it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom.”
Nadella followed the remark with multiple backflips and a moonwalk offstage to the tune of “Bad”, as the crowd cheered and gave him a standing ovation.
The reporter who asked the question was immediately vaporized.
Economic projections.
“The ‘life-ending’ market has been stable for years,” one analyst said. “But Microsoft has always been good at disrupting established markets.”
Sources claim that the death ray will be available in three different models: the Home Edition, the Professional Edition, and the Ultimate Edition.
“I don’t know. I just don’t trust anything Microsoft anymore,” A Mac user said. “But I guess if they’re the only ones with a death ray, I’ll have to use their products.”
The death ray is just the latest in a long line of controversial products from Microsoft. But it’s sure to be a hit when it’s offered as free to upgrade from Windows 11.
Which projects were shelved to make room for the ray?
A company of the size of Microsoft always has multiple irons in the fire, so it’s hard to say. But we do know that the following projects have all been canceled indefinitely:
- Halo 7
- PowerShell 8
- Internet Explorer 6 — HD Remaster
- Project Barrel Roll (booting macOS kernel inside Windows)
One good news for gamers is that the “Halo 7” engine has been salvaged and will be used in the upcoming game “Age of Empires: French Guiana.”
