Microsoft to Copyright Pi, Found to Contain Entire Arial Font
In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the tech and math communities, Microsoft has announced plans to copyright the constant pi (π). The company claims to have discovered that pi, when properly decoded, contains the entire Arial fontface.
Dr. Calibri explained: “We were analyzing pi’s decimal expansion when we noticed a pattern starting at the 3,141,592nd decimal place. By treating certain sequences as SVG path instructions, we found that the resulting Bézier curves perfectly matched the outlines of Arial characters in alphabetical order.”
Microsoft’s legal team wasted no time in filing a copyright claim on pi, arguing that since it contains their proprietary font, they now own the rights to the number itself.
Meanwhile, Google is rumored to be searching for Roboto hidden within the digits of e.
“I may be a staunch atheist,” said Richard Stallman, creator of the GNU + Linux operating system and self-proclaimed architect of the modern world, “but any decent analysis in comparative religion would conclude that the universe is a copyleft creation, thereby pi should automatically fall under the terms of the GNUv3 license.”
For his part, Dr. Calibri concluded that there is a 99.9999% chance of the copyright of pi being upheld in court. When asked about the remaining percentage, he said, “There’s a small chance that a meteorite will impact the Earth in the coming years, thereby plunging our civilization into a state from which it will never be able to develop copyright law.”
“More importantly, it is unlikely that a new sentient species would emerge with the amount of ingenuity needed to both create the glorious Arial font and then rediscover it within the confines of a mathematical constant. These are small odds, but as a Microsoft employee, I have ingested ludicrous amounts of ayahuasca — It would be silly of me to ignore the bifurcating Markov chains of the multiverse and their possibilities.”
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