The Siege of Vanilla JavaScript
Toss a coin to your developer, oh Silicon Valley
Sing, Goddess, sing about the 27th year of Brendan Eich, when the reactive forces of Svelte, Vue, and React took siege of the holy city of Vanilla-JavaScript. For days they were bombarded with features, frameworks, and libraries, seeking to take the throne of the one true Prototype Chain. This is their story.
When Brendan Eich saw that the reactive forces had come and that they intended to wage war against Vanilla-JavaScript, he consulted with his senior developers about blocking off the browser APIs. They gathered a large group of junior developers who blocked every single API from “console.log” to “createElement.” “Why should the reactive forces come and find plenty of APIs to use and misuse in their barbaric frameworks?” Brendan Eich said.
Then he worked hard repairing all the bugs on the city wall and building Docker containers on it. He built another wall outside that one and reinforced the vars into lets and consts. He also made large numbers of weapons out of V8 C++ pointers.
Brendan Eich promoted several junior devs to senior devs and assembled them before him in the square at the city gate and encouraged them with these words: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged because of Dan Abramov and the reactive army with him, for there is a greater power with us than with him. With him is only a bunch of scripts, but with us is the ultimate power of the browser to help us and to fight our battles.” And the people gained confidence from what Brendan Eich, the king of Vanilla-JavaScript said.
Later, when Dan Abramov and all his forces were laying siege to the nearby town of Electron, he sent his senior devs to Vanilla-JavaScript with this message for Brendan Eich and for all the people of Vanilla-JavaScript who were there:
“This is what Dan Abramov, king of React and leader of the reactive forces says: On what are you basing your confidence, that you remain in Vanilla-JavaScript under siege? When Brendan Eich says, ‘the browser will save us from the hand of React and all other frontend frameworks,’ he is misleading you, to let you die of hunger and thirst. Did not Brendan Eich himself remove all mentions of frontend frameworks from the browser documentation, saying to all developers, ‘You must worship only Web Components as the one way to develop websites’?”
“Do you not know what I and my predecessors have done to all the peoples of the other native lands? Were the native platforms of those lands ever able to deliver themselves from our third-party GUI libraries? Which of all the runtimes of these lands that my predecessors like Qt and React Native destroyed has been able to save his people from me? How then can your browser deliver you from my hand? Now do not let Brendan Eich deceive you and mislead you like this. Do not believe him, for no runtime of any platform has been able to deliver his people from my hand or the hand of my predecessors. How much less will your vanilla language deliver you from my hand!”
Then Dan Abramov went to the front line and called out in TypeScript — the language of the folk — to the people of Vanilla-JavaScript who were on the wall, to terrify them and make them afraid in order to capture the city. He spoke about JavaScript being not holy and no different than the programming languages of the other peoples of the world — just another work of human hands.
King Brendan Eich and the priest Firefox son of Netscape cried out in prayer to heaven about this. And the Holy Prototype Chain that goes all the way into heaven sent an Uncaught Exception, which annihilated all the junior devs and senior I and senior II devs in the camp of the reactive forces. So Dan Abramov withdrew to his own land in disgrace. And when he went into the temple of his god Meta, some of his sons (Solid or Qwik), his own flesh and blood, cut him down with the sword.
So the Holy Prototype Chain saved Brendan Eich and the people of Vanilla-JavaScript from the hand of Dan Abramov king of React and from the hand of all the reactive forces. He took care of them on every side. Many brought offerings to Vanilla-JavaScript and valuable gifts for Brendan Eich. From then on he was highly regarded by all the world.
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