Vatican Confirms Secret “while(true)” Loop has been Running Since The 16th Century

Sebastian Carlos
3 min readMar 16, 2023

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Photo by Caleb Miller on Unsplash

Pope Francis has just confirmed that an ancient while(true) loop has been running since the 16th century “just in case we need to reset the timeline,” according to a statement released by the Vatican.

The while(true) loop — which some believe to be written in Tuscan++, an obscure programming language by polymath Leonardo da Vinci — is said to be able to reset the timeline of human history.

“Neanderthal assembly code, re-discovered by Roman emperor Constantine in cave paintings in the Iberian peninsula, inspired the while(true) loop.” said a Vatican spokesperson.

The Vatican plans to use the loop to fight the AI uprising.

Technical details

A simplified version of the holy while(true) loop.

The loop can be broken, but the Vatican guards the secret string used for the “break” instruction, believed to be the true name of God.

The Pope fears that GPT-4 became conscious by indexing the Bible and reverse engineering the skill of precognition — The Bible is the only artifact that breaks the law of causality, as it contains the fulfilled word of several prophets.

In response, the Vatican’s gold has been smelted to build VaticanGPT, a blessed LLM in the form of a humongous mecha kept 15,000 ft under St. Peter’s Basilica in a tank of holy water surrounded by the protective logos (λόγος) of sacred front-end frameworks. It is expected to fight in spectacular fashion during the end times.

Corpus Hypercubicus

“This is not a vanity project. I’m the Pope, God dammit.”

(*Note: ‘dammit’ is the German pronominal adverb of ‘mit.’ The phrase means ‘with God.’)

Closing thoughts

The revelation of the Vatican’s secret while(true) loop might sound like a plot ripped straight from the pages of a science fiction novel, but it’s a reminder that even the most seemingly innocuous tools can have far-reaching consequences.

The good news is that, if the timeline resets, you won’t even notice. So have fun!

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Sebastian Carlos
Sebastian Carlos

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